my first exam and i'll flunk it

The feeling is horrible. It was an hour exam that felt like it was just a few minutes. I tried to answer all the items correctly, but it seems like my answers are all wrong. I was studying for that damn exam for days,weeks and I actually thought I had mastered it. But I guess, I was wrong. And I have to move on.

Life is like an exam. You may be right at some points in life, but you may also be wrong at some points. Like an exam, you can only experience it once. There is no coming back once the lecturer says, "pencils up!" You may have regrets. You may want to turn back time and study again, but you just can't. One time, and that is all. Like life, an exam is a learning experience. You get to know yourself better, what your strengths and weaknesses are. You may be good in making and keeping friendships, romantic relationships or family ties. You could be weak in developing your career at some point. But what matters is you recognize these, strengthen capabilities and make weaknesses become strengths. An exam, like life, is a learning experience because you would be able to build your personal strategy on how to go about things that matter to you.

I may or may not flunk this exam, but at least I now know my strategies in studying HARDER. I may or may not make a good career in the future, but at least now I can start building my career plans and equip myself with concepts and models that I could use in the future.

i broke up with my sc.calcu

dear sc.calcu,

matagal-tagal din tayong nagkasama. naalala ko pa, pinag-aagawan ka pa namin ng officemates ko at lagi kitang pinaglalaban na parang sa yo ko lang makukuha ang hinahanap ko. madaming beses na sinagip mo ang buhay ko lalo na sa pagsolb ng mga problema sa mundo. pinagkatiwalaan kita ng sobra sobra.

pero kailangan na tayong maghiwalay dahil nag-iiba na ang aking pangangailangan. alam kong nandyan ka lang umaalalay sa akin, pero kailangan kong matuto at lumago sa bagong pamamaraan. kinalulungkot ko na hindi ako matututo at lalago sa piling mo...

minahal kita na parang akin, pero may mahal na kong iba.

paalam scientific calcu. i lab u, financial calcu.

drama!

A sunny day in Armidale

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.


And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Sydney lifestyle

It's been two weeks since I arrived in this beautiful city of Sydney. From the first time I saw the brick buildings, traffic lights, and a lot of White, I had been mesmerized by the thought that I am going to live this kind of life for the next one and a half years.

Last week, I had a taste of what they call the City lifestyle. Thanks to my aunt, I got to know friends who got me a tour around the city's oldest pubs. We went to a place called "The Rocks". As I know about it, The Rocks was the first downtown of Sydney. True to its name, it was called so because once convicts were building walls and bridges from the rocks that the place was abundant of. Good thing I was not a convict in my past life..

We went bar hopping or pub crawling, as it was called in their colloquial language. We had three rounds of beer. My favorite was in "Lowenbrau" (Did I spell it right?). It had mango flavor and tastes really good. I was laughing at the one liter glass of beer each of my friends had to finish. Then we went to "Lord Nelson", the oldest pub in the city. Good to know that I was with guy friends, so that when I pass out, they will carry me home.

And then, this time, we had a house party. We played this game called "Fuzzy Duck". Who ever invented that game, he or she owes me big. I had three or four shots in a row of vodka because of that game. Oh my, I felt my blood rushing to my head and the feeling was horrible. I knew that I had to take a rest. After some time, I got better in that game I only had a shot. Then I learned we finished three bottles of vodka. My other friends were so drunk they had a piece of themselves everywhere. These guys should be thinking while drinking, see. Be at least responsible for themselves while having fun.

Anyway, it is good we had adults in the house to take care of these kids. Well, I can say I am proud of myself because I know my limits in terms of alcohol. And oh, these guys already invited me to stay during the April break. I wonder what is going to happen next. I hope not another sweet bitter experience like this one.

The men of my life (Part I)

He was an achiever. Coming from a simple family, he became the pride of his parents. He had numerous awards and recognitions in and out of the country. He became the best of what he could be. He was my father.

As far as I can remember, he had been a professor in a well known university in the country. Teaching was not merely a job to him, but a passion. Some students admired him, others despised him. All I know is that he devoted nearly half of his life to teaching. Teaching was his life and it was taken from him.

He got his highest education in Thailand. During those years, I and my younger brother had to live by without a father. I only knew him because I saw him in pictures given to us by our mother. We were young to understand that he had to leave us for years. At an early age, I felt far from him. So when he got back, I never really got that close to him as a father. All I knew was he had my last name.

As the first born, he was depended on by his younger brothers and sisters, even cousins and other relatives. I saw him give his time and money to answer and solve numerous problems of his family and relatives. He was a philantrophist. Our house became open for those in need. Many times, my mother thought he was being taken for granted. But my dad had a generous heart and helping hand.

He had vices, smoking and drinking. I hated his puffs of smoke so much. I had to stay far from him because I could not bear the foul smell. Maybe that is why he always stayed in the master's bedroom when all of us were in the living room. My mom also hated the smell and two of my brothers had asthma.

He was a good father to us. He was the provider and decision maker. Often times, we asked him for our allowance. He was also the one who decides on whether we would be joining field trips. I rarely saw him smile. He was forever serious in everything he did. Still, when I asked him to help me in my homework, he never refused to give me some help. He was always there when I get to receive medals and diplomas. I am forever grateful that he had been my father. But I would not be able to thank him and show him how much I loved him. Not now.

For some reason that until now I could not understand, he lost his job. He had an early retirement and had to move away from us because of his pride. He could not bear the thought of not being the family's head, that he could no longer bring food on the table. I was deeply saddened by all these and we had to face it as a family. Though recently, I got another sad news. The thought of it hurts so much, it pierces an already wounded heart. From then on, I lost my father.

I admired my father. I persevered in my studies because I love my parents. My love for my parents, whatever they are now, whatever my father is now, will never cease. Time heals everything and so is this. I am lifting all the hurts to God for He loves me.

My Christmas Party

I celebrated the Christmas party with my officemates rather differently this year. Parties have become a venue to refresh minds away from work, see the brighter end, wish everyone a happy holidays and for some, bon voyage. I am used to saying our goodbyes to colleagues who are changing their career paths, either by going to school or moving to another workplace. But this year was different because I was the one saying my goodbyes to them.

It has been three and a half years since I got this first job. Being my first, there had been so many trials, challenges, failures and of course, success. I learned so much about work and life. I gained experience that made me stronger as a person. I found very dear friends and made forever friendships and networks. Most importantly, I discovered myself.

Young and inexperienced, I thought that I could do anything on my own. But with my constant interaction with people of different backgrounds, I learned to situate myself and seek their help. By this way, everyone participates and everyone owns the success.

I also got to experience my country. I had so many business trips turned into wonderful discover trips around the nation. From the north to south of the Philippines, I saw her hidden wonders. More and more, I became proud to be living in this paradise.

But then again, success is much sweeter because of failures. I also got into many disappointments and crying times. Through these, the bond between my dear friends have become stronger and everlasting. With their love and support, I am still standing and smiling. I would not have been stronger as I am now.

This year, the Christmas party was very special to me because I get to flashback on memories we made during my stay in this office. It was heartwarming that colleagues and superiors are bidding me their heartfelt wishes of good luck. I am so blessed that He gave me the opportunity to grow with this office, my second family.

a family reunioun

This morning, mom and I were discussing about raising funds for my expected arrival in Aussie. We were trying to gather some cash for my first few weeks. Then the topic shifted to our upcoming family reunion in December when my elder brothers are coming home here in the Philippines. We are expecting them to spend some time in our new house together with our nephews and niece. It would be a great Christmas for us since, I thought, we will be "complete". Out of no where, I asked my mom, "does dad know any of these?" My mom, blatantly said, "No."

It was a few weeks back when I noticed my mom cleaning and rummaging around our new house. At first, I thought, "it is about time to get rid of trash." What I meant of "trash" is dad's stuff. I thought maybe mom has finally getting rid of dad's trash. I did not know that she was getting rid of dad's memories.

I was eating my toasted bread this morning when mom handed me her celphone showing a text message from my aunt, dad's sister in law. It was a heartbreaking news I could not even swallow. But with a deep breath, I swallowed everything with a large gulp of orange juice. Now I know why dad has not been around for a while.

At this moment, I could not express the hurt and anger mixed in my heart towards him. I just could not believe that a decent man like him would do such a thing. Not only it hurts mom so much, it will also hurt my brothers and sister, their sons and daughters, and my other loved ones if they would know. It would hurt my family slowly like a venom poisons a soul. For me, I am truly and deeply hurt.

For now I am just clinging on Him above. I know that He would not give sorrows and pains that my family could not bear. We will be able to surpass this, with Him and prayers in our hearts. With His grace and love, I know I would be able to forgive him someday. I love God, and He loves my family.